Babies 85, 86, & 87: If You Don't Know Me By Now

I can't lie...Mason has been on my mind a lot lately...I honestly can't stop thinking about him...and I can't stop thinking about how he's with someone else and how much that's hurting me.  At this point, regardless how I feel, he is still marrying someone else.  I pretty much just have to suck it up and let him go, right?  I don't know.  He obviously doesn't feel the same way...right?  I don't know.  He didn't say he didn't...and why would he have brought it up if he didn't love me too?  Ugh!  All this over-analyzing stuff is killing me...and I can't just call up Evie and have her over-analyze with me because that's her brother...I mean, it's seriously the one thing we can't talk about.  I never thought I would say that about my best friend.  So you, dear, sweet readers, are the only people I can vent to.  Lucky you, right?  Ick, let me fill you in on what's going on...

With everything on my mind, it's difficult to stay on task and line up another baby daddy, but I manage.  I pretty much get impregnated as soon as I possibly can.

I of course am working with the triplets on their skills...

And Ryan is actually helping me too...he really has turned around.  That's got me thinking too...I do love Ryan, but I'm not sure who I'm in love with...Mason or him...but either way, he really is turning into a good parent.

He takes care of Kevin, Tonya, and Iana better than I ever thought he could...and they love him to pieces.  Honestly, I would be lucky to have him in my life long-term...not that I'm ready to get married yet or anything...in fact I'm really glad the topic hasn't come up...I'm so not ready for that.

Our daily routine is pretty much the same every day...work with the toddlers, put them to bed, then enjoy dinner together.

We also share funny kid stories, and Ryan has just as much to contribute as I do...

After dinner, we always clean the kitchen together, then go upstairs.  I have to admit, even though I'm not sure if he's the love of my life or not, I do kind of enjoy sharing my life with someone.  I tell him so one night.
"I'm so glad you didn't give up on me," I say.
He pulls me into a long hug and replies, "I'm glad you finally let me in.  I love you so much."
"I love you too," I reply with a lump in my throat.

"Hey," he says as he pulls away, "why don't we sit outside and watch the stars tonight?  It's a beautiful night for it."
I smile at the romantic gesture and agree, "that sounds nice."

So we sit outside in the yard where the garden used to be...I recently got rid of it because I realized I didn't need it and it was too much work to try to keep up.
"So, what brought this on?" I ask as we sit down.
He acts strangely aloof, "Oh...nothing...I just thought it would be nice..."

As we cuddle close together, I have to say I agree.  It is nice.  The weather is only slightly cool and the grass still has that "fresh cut" smell to it.  It's probably my favorite time of year.

We sit outside for awhile, just enjoying each other.  Even with all the crazy going on in my head, I have to say I'm pretty content.

Eventually though, I start to get a little tired and cold...
"Okay, love, let's go in," I tell him and start to get up, but he pulls me back.
"You love me, right?" he asks.
"Y-yes, you know I do..." I tell him, even though that lump has returned.
"Okay," He says and lets me go, so I get up.

"Wait just a second..." he says as he gets up behind me...
I smile at him, he's acting so weird, "What is it?"

His knees are slightly bent, he's sweating...he has a shake in his voice...slowly, I start to understand...oh no.

He starts his monologue, "Hadley Keagan Reed, you are the most incredible woman I have ever met..."
That lump is a bolder now, "Ryan..." I try to stop him, but he continues.
"...you never do anything like anyone else, and that's what I've learned to love about you..."
Tears start to well in my eyes because I know what this means, "Ryan, please..."
He goes on, "...you make me look at the world in a different way...you've made me a better man, Hadley."

He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a box...

"Ryan...don't" I mutter, but he's lost in his monologue...he can't hear me...I suppose that has always been our problem...he's never heard me...I told him before he even moved in that I didn't want to talk about marriage or anything like that...I just wanted to see how it would be living together...and he didn't hear me...Mason or no Mason, ultimately, the main issue is between Ryan and me.  He has tried to make me into a woman I'm not...and this isn't something we can fix...or come back from...I know if I refuse him, that will be the end...for real this time.

He finally bites the bullet...
"Would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"
My mouth is as dry as sand paper...I don't know if I can talk...not that I want to...

"Ryan, get up..." I tell him.

His face falls, "Why?"
I grab his arm and tug, even though I can't make him budge, I hope he gets the idea, "Just...please..."

He finally gets up...and puts that unholy box back in his pocket.

Even though my eyes are threatening to flood my face, I hold it together enough to speak and look up into his eyes, "Ryan, why did you have to do that?"
"What?" He asks softly, "Propose to you?  Propose to the woman I am in love with?  Call me crazy, Hadley but I did it because I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want you to be my wife.  Most people that are in love want that..."
"I'm not most people," I start, "and I told you I didn't want to get married any time soon...why couldn't you respect that?"
"I thought you were just scared and maybe you didn't really know what you wanted," he says, "things have been going great with us lately...we already act like we're married...I don't know what you could possibly be waiting for..."

I can't help but be a little mad.  Here he is, not respecting my wishes on some kind of screwed up notion that he knows better than I do about what I want, "I'm waiting for you to actually listen to me...and respect my wishes when I say I don't want to get married right now..."
"Well, we don't have to get married right now," he says, "just say you will one day...just wear my ring."

"Ryan...I can't..." I tell him.

I hate rejecting his proposal because I know there's no going backward from that.  We can't just forget it ever happened.  We're going to either be engaged, or we're going to be over.

"Ryan, I can't do this anymore," I tell him, "we want different things..and I feel like you're never going to accept me for who I really am..."

Ryan is shocked.
"What?  No!" he starts, "We don't have to break up...really...let's just pretend this never happened."

"It's too late, Ryan," I tell him, "I know we love each other, but we aren't right for each other...and neither one of us is going to be able to truly accept the other one."
"That's not true..." he starts.
I cut him off, "but you know it is.  We have put so much into this relationship and worked so hard, but in the end, we're just not right for each other.  You know that."

The sun is starting to come up as we finally stop fighting and he agrees to move out.
Before he leaves, he says, "One day you're going to realize what you are so willing to give up now is the best thing for you, and then it'll be too late."
I let him leave without saying another word.

The house does feel different without Ryan and I sort of got used to him helping me with the kids, but it's nothing I haven't done before, and soon it's time to age them up!

Kevin is a little pudgy, but he's cute anyway...look how his ears stick out.  Hehe.

Tonya is a little chunky as well, but she also has a certain something about her.

Last is Iana...all three of the kids really have the same features, just different skin tones.

The three of them are really good kids and even though they all miss Ryan, they seem okay that he was here and now all of a sudden he's gone.  I really don't want to put any more of my children through this though...maybe I should postpone the whole dating thing until I finish the challenge.

Soon, it's time for the baby or babies to be born!

Meet Baby 85: Phillip Reed

Baby 86: Kash Reed

and Baby 87: Liam Reed