Maintain the Pain

I jump into caring for my daughters with Ryan with everything I have, which isn't much at this point.  I feel numb.  I'm going through the motions of my every day life, but it's not the same.  I haven't heard from Mason in days and I won't answer anyone's phone calls.  Evie, my mom, Aunt Z, they've all tried calling, but I can't bring myself to talk to them.  I just want to concentrate on taking care of these babies.

Right after Karen and Sheila are born, Ryan comes over.  I look at him and think about how much I love him.  I wouldn't be trying so hard if I didn't, right?

We go inside and he gives me one of his world famous kisses.

"I've missed you, baby," he tells me as he pulls away.
"I've missed you too," I reply, looking in his eyes.  I am really lucky to have found a man that is willing to deal with all this challenge stuff.

"Do you want to go upstairs and meet your daughters?" I ask him, sure that he'll be so excited to see them.
"Yeah, sure." he replies.  Not as much enthusiasm as I would have hoped, but okay.
"Come on," I take the lead and head upstairs, thinking he's right behind me.

Of course, when I get upstairs and turn around, he hasn't followed me.  I don't know where he is, but he's not in the nursery.  Okay.  Just then, my phone rings.
It's Evie.  Time to face the music.

Me: Hello?
Evie: Okay, so you're not dead.  Well, that's a relief.
Me: I'm sorry...it's been a rough couple days.
Evie: What's been going on?
Me: I suppose you heard about the conversation I had with Mason.
Evie: Hmm, I just talked to him today and he didn't say anything about talking to you.
Me: Oh, well I basically acted like a spaz...hey, let me ask you something...
Evie: Sure...
Me: What do you think about this Deidra girl he's marrying?
Evie: Well...she's okay...I like her...not exactly who I pictured Mason with, but ya' know how that goes.
Me: Yeah...so...uh, he's happy then?
Evie: Um...I think so, as much as he tells me.
Me: What's with you?  You're being weird.
Evie: No I'm not...look, why don't you talk to him about all this?

Me: Yeah, I did...it didn't go over very well.
Evie: So talk to him again...this is Mason we're talking about.
Me: Yeah...
Evie: You really should talk to him.
I sigh.  I don't know why everyone is so freakin' bent on me talking to Mason.  

I get off the phone with Evie and get back to my responsibilities.

I go in search of Ryan and find him out on the front porch.

Me: What are you doing out here?
Ryan: Oh, I don't know...I just needed some air.
Me: Okay...are you ready to go in now?  The girls are just waking up a little bit...



Ryan: Could I not go in just yet?
Me: What's with you?
Ryan: I'm just...a little...I don't know.
Me: Ryan, they're babies...nothing to be afraid of...
Ryan: I'm not afraid!  I mean...I'm just...this is just heavy stuff...
Me: Oh yeah, I've done this so much that I've forgotten what it's like to be a first time parent.
Ryan: Yeah...it's kind of nerve-wrecking.
Me: Okay, just take a little time, maybe go out back to the hot tub for a minute...then we'll go.



Cuddling in the hot tub turns out to be something we both need.  I feel a little more relaxed than I did before.



After we sit in the hot tub for a little bit, I can hear the girls crying, so we have to go in.  Ryan walks in timidly but when he sees the girls, he relaxes.  They're both pretty good babies, so hopefully they won't freak him out too much.



Although he jumps at every little sound they make...much like any new parent would.



As soon as I tend to the girls and they're both asleep, he gives me this look...
Me: What?
Ryan: You are incredible.
Me: Well..thank you...what brought this on?
Ryan: Watching you...with our children...it's just...perfect.
Me: Aww, yeah...



Ryan: I want you to know that I love you so much...more than I thought I could ever love anyone.  I know I can be selfish and stubborn sometimes, but I swear I'll work on it...I will do anything to make you happy.
Me: I love you too sweetie.  I'm not all that easy to get along with either...so I understand...



I look at him now and see the man he wants to be, the man I want him to be.  Even if he's not there quite yet, he'll get there.  All I have to do is be patient.